I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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