I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Two words: blizzard sex
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
