I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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