I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
