I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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