Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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