I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
