apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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