my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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