i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
