don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
