My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
