Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
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