Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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