I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
only you would photoshop your dick
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize