When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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