I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
