My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
