I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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