My liver just broke up with me...
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
