I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
