we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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