Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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