his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
