My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
