He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
