I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
