you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
