You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
