when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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