Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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