I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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