if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize