My sheets look like a crime scene.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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