I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
