Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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