Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
