she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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