Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
