Just fell off a train. Bad.
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
