News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
