Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
