my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
