so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
