Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
