I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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