Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
