Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
