There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
