Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize