so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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