I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
