I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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