but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
