I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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