someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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