pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
