I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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