Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Houston, we have a squirter
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
