Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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