fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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