I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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