plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
