I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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