That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize