theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
worst night to have a conscience
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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